Hash Trash 2

Hash Trash 1 was full!!


#974 Cuddle Me Drunk

Despite dire predictions of imminent frostbite, 20some intrepid hashers ventured to the frozen wastelands of Kutztown for a bit of fresh air. Foot and company declared a Pre Pre at Saucony Creek, while Wrong Way Just Kevin and squeeze sat at the Tavern across the street from the designated Pre, wondering where everyone was?? Several Rogue North hashers, including their infamous leader Sex-a-Sketch, were able to find the correct watering hole effortlessly. All forces finally gathered at the K’town Pub, just in time to shuffle off to the On On. Again, confusion was the theme of the day, as no one seemed quite sure which parking lot was the correct one. 

There was a bit of a snap to the air, so yours truly skipped the formalities and let the hares ‘splain their trail as quickly as possible. Off the pack went, crunching across the tundra. Egg Fucker and Wants It Bad did a 180 and autohashed to the Apres, the location of which had been carelessly divulged by a hapless server. Wants’ excuse for not doing trail was a claimed vein stripping, but smart money is that she finally got those ass cheek implants she’d been longing. 

Meanwhile, back on trail, we followed an intermittent spattering of beige flour, highly optical against the beige salt crusted sidewalks and streets. The hares saw no problem turning trail 90 degrees at intersections with nary a check. We slide into a cozy driveway for our first BN slushy. Then down the alley, hook a left and back into the park. There we found GladHeAteHer, along with a thermos of hot chocolate, several high octane additives and an air mattress located in the dugout. The last explained the curious marks at the On On....it was a Cuddle Check. I was first to test the comfort of the mattress, followed quickly and cumulatively by a half dozen or so of my bestest hashing buddies. The air temp and the dozen or so layers of clothing everyone wore assured no penetration. We eventually rolled out of bed and scurried on to the HHH, located in a park pavilion. Here, with winds reduced to under 30mph, we held an abridged circle, while those of us with remote vehicle start features assured our rides were a comfy temp on entry . 

Apres was, as promised, Saucony Creek where tasty beverages and flatbreads warmed our cockles. Rumors of namings were obviously unfounded as we departed to our various Saturday night drinking ventures. 

I think I can finally feel my ....

ToeFU



#973 The New Year's Hash

Hares: Flashwound, Just Jane

I end up writing again the hash trash of another fucking freezing and windy day, the first of the New Year.

We, all wankers gathered at Lower Heidelberg Elementary with our asses almost frozen seeping beer before it turns into ice.

The local cop showed up to make sure we do not drink too much from the start. Obviously he did not know that many of us started with pre-lube long ago.

Fudge Packer filled in for the Grand Master who went to Utah looking for snow and cold weather when he could have found it here.

We started with the circle to introduce the virgins and by tradition we welcome them with “we do not give a shit if you get lost”. Ginger Snatch took care of her new virgin that doesn’t get lost first time.

The general erection was pointing to the woods and the colorful pack start running. The nice shitty trail was warming up everybody. With smiles on our frozen faces we soon arrive at a beer stop that most of the group skipped.

Bugle boy was keeping the pack together. The next stop was a nice warming sweet cider served by Praying Man Tits. From here the pack splits.

Legal Easy, a natural born tracker quickly found the on-on markings and crossed the HHH finish mark ahead of everybody.

NFB was wondering solo and happy smiling in the woods looking for the signs he does not believe in anyway. We end up on the road and we found the true trail mark but for NFB doesn’t mean shit because he always can find his own trail.

We celebrate in circle around wood burning fire with many down-downs for the hares, bold guys, birthdays and Tidy Bowl - Little Man in the Boat engagement.

Soon we were ready for the Paradise by the Slice to indulge with beer, pizza and wings. Great time for the start of the year.

On-On
Shrinkage



#972 The Boilo Hash

We gathered at Mikes Tavern..one of my favorite little dive bars for there annual Boilo night competition. Circle was short and sweet, no introductions. The pack found trail and headed out towards Riverside elementary where we all lost trail...still not sure who eventually found trail but eventually we all wound up running up Centre Ave and following trail to a shot stop on the railroad  property where we probably weren't supposed to be. Just Kevin did show just a little bit of concern that Just Lisa was nowhere in site...eventually she did show up right about the same time a railroad employee pulled up and our bike hasher Turtle had to explain what a bunch of people running away from him were actually 
doing gathering on railroad property. From there myself, and a few others lost trail and wound up just making our way back to Mike's, where we were joined by the others who did find trail. No on after circle as by now the little bar was becoming pretty crowded. From this point after my memory becomes a little blurred thanks to sampling way to much Boilo!! Two things I think i do remember are Choo Choo maybe leaving without paying for her Moscow Mule ...not for lack of trying though... and those of us that stayed for the duration got to watch Crack wash every glass that Mike's owns!! Another great Boilo Hash for sure!! 

On Out, Old News


 #971 Santa Fucks The Hash


First of all, who the hell was dumb enough to ask Just Kevin to write the Hash Trash for the most wonderful Hash of the year? He can barely spell his name or remember what he did yesterday even when he hasn’t been heavily drinking. So here is Just Lisa with one more thing on her to do list during the busiest week ever.

Pre-Lube was at Berk’s most over-priced beer bar, good old Liberty Tap Room where Quicken is always kind enough to let me know that we spend the majority of our paychecks here and have exceeded our food and alcohol budget by 100%.  At least they usually have good beer and it was enjoyable to watch the Hashers roll in with their festive outfits.
After a few beers, up to the fire tower we go! Not only was pre-lube over-priced but so was the Hash! $20 f-ing dollars and all we got was a beer koozy and a bottle opener (fine it was pretty cool) oh and lots of good beer and French fries but we will get to that later.
Two virgins were thrown into the circle to be prepared to get Fucked. Amazingly they are still our friends, since we were the ones who brought them. Red and green clad Hashers everywhere. Our hare NFB must have stock in an orthopedic surgery business because I am pretty sure he tried not just to fuck us but actually kill us or at least break some important bones. Trail started with us jumping the stone barrier on Skyline Drive and down the snow covered rocks and steep terrain we go. I personally ass sledded most of the way down that. Luckily for someone I am relatively new and am still learning names but you completely bit it first thing on the way down.
Finally some runnable but snow covered trail. We never make it all the way down the mountain but just up and up and down on snow covered mountain. Finally a BN! Hot cider for everyone. Then off we go again more up and down through the snow. I am directionally challenged so I can’t actually tell you where we went or what “trails” we were on. A yucky Jagger shot was the second BN.
Finally we come up one last steep shitty hill and we see glorious alcohol. Everyone finally makes it to the top and our typical rowdy circle commences. Snowballs are thrown, songs are sung, beer is drank, and penises shrank.
Then off to the Apre  at Decarlo’s where the fun really starts. Chicken wings! French Fires! Open Bar! Santa! Songs! Elves! Gifts! Condoms being blown up on Hasher’s heads.
Can’t wait to get Fucked by Santa again next year!
On On
-Just Lisa



#970 Twat the Nite before Hashmas

Twat the night before Hashmas and all through the town all the hashers were stirring with not a frown. The beer was placed on the tables with care in hopes that drunkenness would soon be there.

The hashers were nestled all snug at the bar, as visions of frothy beers danced from afar. And the hares with the flour and us ready to go had just settled down for a nice winter’s snow. When out on the street arose such a clatter as hashers stumbles ...with teeth that chattered.
Down the road we ran shouting without dismay until we figured out we went the wrong way. With more yelling and bellowing we climbed back to the bar, just trying to stay on par. All beat this time we went across road but only end up sorrowed.
Thinking they were smarter, NFB and Johnson took off up the hill only to come in last to get their fill. Back out the pack went for another round and to come on in with one mighty bound. Down downs were served and beers were drank until everyone had a nice full tank.

God bless us every one,

Johnson On The



#969- Backyard Bully Hash Trash


Over the powerline, through the woods

To Great Way to Die’s house we go;
At the back check today, no one knew the way,
So everyone scattered, running to and fro!

Over the powerline, through the woods

Up and down “7 Bitches” we go,
Following Foot and Old News, we missed all the booze
Though we saw the Captain Morgan below.

Over the powerline, through the woods

We turned right when we should have stayed straight.
A mile out of the way, we were led quite astray
With not a spot of flour for us to locate!

Over the powerline, through the woods

At last, a passerby we did spot!
He pointed us back to the trail (too bad he didn’t have ale)
Oh, what we would have done for a shot!

Over the powerline, through the woods

Finally found our way back to circle
Gets Paid for Oral was named, and that name was explained
(…And I just realized no words rhyme with circle.)

Over the powerline, through the woods

At the apr├Ęs, much smoked meat we ate.
The beers were down downed, and we all stood around
‘Til we realized it had gotten quite late.

Over the powerline, through the woods

At last it was time to get gone.
So we all said farewell, and I’ll see you in hell
If I don’t see you at the next On On!

-Just Julia



#968: You Only Die Twice!


Hanging out on the East Side of Reading, near the Best Titty Bar Ever, was the Prelube at Island Pizza in Douglassville, PA.


Sucks It IN and Great Way to Die decided to embark on Douglassville, near the Best Titty Bar Ever, collected us all to start at what looked like an abandoned farm, in reality a Motocross training Facility. Parking was near the abandoned looking home, the actual start was up a long ass hill but we all made i...t .


Al lil mud and some awesome trails lead us up and around into Monocacy Park. Beer and whiskey was the drink of the day. Spotting a couple of teenagers, ToeFU agreed to carry the whiskey out, Hmmm, Genuine concern!


Discovering the Fuck You, head back to the start, we turned around and headed back to the start. With lots of brilliant minds we found the trail heading in the opposite direction and flour was marginally placed. On On.
After heading back into the woods, the trail became a stinky, muddy, shitty, with lots and lots of pickers and shiggy. Good times were being had by all, I heard some cursing, oh wait that was me! Ginger, Sucky and myself found a road. It was a long road, a very very very long road.


Up and down hills er ran, alas, Roids drove by and was pulled over, apparently every wanker out there missed his beer stop, he was heart broken, boo hoo! We jumped in his car and had him drive us a couple hundred yards. We jumped out and continued hashing on that long road. When out of the blue came a van filled with hashers, NFB and FootFairy. They turned around and picked our asses up. My first personal auto hash, it wan't that bad!



We circled in a garage near the Middle School and were as merry as could be after a 7 mile Hash, Shitty as could be! Good job my Friends!

The Apres was at Island Pizza, bet you thought it was going to be at the Best Titty Bar Ever, maybe Next Time?


Vera Wangless




#967 Flashlight Hash

Darkness was setting in on what was looking to be a gloomy night. A small crowd gathered in the empty parking lot of a tennis court facility. Tensions were building. Finally, a cooler of the most wonderful Hamm's beer appeared and the crowd rejoiced. A circle started to form, and our hares Bad Semen and Horn of Plenty commenced with their explanations of trail. As darkness was falling, how would we see flour on trail? It turns out that there wouldn't be any flour on trail? What? No flour on trail? What kind of crazy trick was being played on us? Trail would be marked with small patches of reflective scraps courtesy of the one and only Stupid Brother. With headlamps lit, the pack headed of on the quest for the reflective marks, one for trail, two for a check, three for a BN/SN or whatever we decided it should be, four for a false. Or maybe it was three for a false and four for a BN. No one could keep it straight, and this was sure to turn into a massive CF. 
Off the pack went following trail, down behind the the army facility. What? We aren't going up into the Shillington Park? These tricky hares! Trail eventually wound around behind a school and baseball field and up towards the park. Ha! they thought they had us fooled. A shot stop in the park and off went the pack in search of more reflective patches. Checks and falses finally led us well up into the park and back down to a beer near.​ with beer consumed and everyone replenished, off we headed back down towards the start, only to find another trick, the finish was not at the start, but we had to get in our cars and drive over to Sofrito in Mohnton for circle and beer. Trail was shitty, everybody drank and the pack got a piece. 

On-on, Dances.

#966 The Bonfire Hash


Really people, Is your life that pathetic??…do not answer that…multiple posts.. promises of a human sacrifice, a fire, and debauchery and you failed to make the # 966 the Bonfire hash??

There was a circle, a virgin, names, flour, chatter, chatter, chatter, smushed lantern flies, and a general erection.
Well you didn’t miss much…a short wait for Roids while the gang relished in fantasies of a tumble in the hay were met with barely the distance to f...irst base. On the wagon, off the wagon, and Charlie Sheen nowhere to be seen.
First beer stop and no sign of the matriarch that produced a Tidy bowl. Yes, hasher’s have expectations. Few choice words and Fudgepacker, hare of the moment, was off. He wanted 5, the merriment gave him less and….well ….does anyone really hang around for the Hamm’s?
Poor planning on Fudgepacker’s part, if he’d looked over his shoulder he’d have caught an eyeful of women going down.. and down, and down, and down…Go figure... before it was over there was something to coat the throat.
In classic Tidy Bowl neighborly fashion, a shot stop was traded for the kennel helping to move a playset. Surprisingly, the youngster who gained an awesome fort and swing set did not get the Kevin Spacey treatment from AC/DC.
Somewhere around this point Foot Fairy was thrown from a moving white van…auto hashing??? Possibly…. a kidnapping rejection more likely….
More down, down, down….and we’re not even waiting…..typical calamity ensues as the trail disappears mid Fleetwood….2 options….”A” take the hunch and go to Klinger’s… “B” follow Cougar Bait….
“B” was the bad choice…he’d run off to the cemetery…with a hard one in his hand no less.
Klinger’s the correct answer… cold nourishment…trading sweat…cramped in a dark room. Sounds like fun…
Whisper down the alley… a trading of hares and we’re off chasing pink from Little Man in the Boat.
Barely 100 yards out ... Legal-easy identifies the Grand Canyon of plumber cracks. That might be the high point as Little Man gave it to us… straight up.. and up… and up… Shot stop….and up… and up…
Gather… circle, something about blue shirts, a virgin that nobody made come, bald people, and a great melody about grabbing a cab. Then we burned things. If you missed it you suck.


With deepest admiration,

Fleshwound


#965 Crack's Analversary Hash

Prelube was at Paolo's where a dozen or so hashers met. After a couple of Perpetuals, off we went to the On On.

About 25 hashers showed up at Ollie's Outlet parking lot on Shillington Pike. It was windy, the temperature was dropping and it was about to start raining. What a great day for a hash! Then again, every day is a great day for a hash, or so we thought. In circle, Horn of Plenty shared a story that she was at a hash and RH3 was in th...e song. Ah, this is great. RH3 will be remembered forever! Not so fast my friend... The song went something, something, something "and Reading cancelled a fucking hash!!!" Yes, Reading will always be remembered shamefully for cancelling a hash.
As depressed as we were, the hash must go on. Because this was three weeks ago and I'm now writing hash trash, I don't remember much of the trail. Only the important parts like the first BN at Hot for Teacher's garage and like Ground Hog's Day, we were back at Hot for Teacher's garage for the SN. We circled behind the KFC. Pizza and beer at Paolo's. How can you go wrong??
A message to all future hares and GMs. NEVER EVER EVER CANCEL A HASH!!!
Peace out - LBD



#964 The Halloween Hash

It was a shittily hot day for costumes. 

ToeFU had the proper attire, although the harriettes were traumatized by the underpinnings of his coconut bra and grass skirt. 

Circle commenced with stupidity, false introductions, and not enough slutty outfits, for any occasion, let alone an RH3 Halloween hash. Head Pedaler and Cums on Demand donned their best pirate attire. Jake from State Farm wouldn’t turn off the ringer on his damn landline. Popeye and Bushwhacker paused for a muscle contest. Finally some guidance was given to the pack (a GPS check... some bullshit acronym stuff... ), and they were off. 

Galavanting through an elementary school property, it took about 69 seconds for costumes to start being removed. The pack followed flour to the Shillington farmers market, where a fly-by beer check did no favors to bring the pack back together. But it did allow a hot Hooters chick a chance to join the fun. Over hill, over dale, and along Lancaster Ave, the herd scaled a hill, scouted a park, and found trail. Roads, alleys, etc, until a check turns us into Alvernia. This is when we should have gone to the bars of Millmont, Oakbrook, Troopers, etc, but instead, in the absence of flour, we followed NFB and his lame-ass monster t-shirt toward the Ken Grill Pool, where half the pack ran right by a shot check. After scavenging for 5 minutes with the back half of the pack for some trace of alcohol, we were overjoyed to see Head Pedaler emerging from the rear with fruity treats for the clan. Now if only Head Pedaler was half as sweet. Agitated that the hashers had somehow missed part of trail (oh my!), AND missed a beer check (well shit.), he hurriedly sent his minion Norman Bates on to another stop. Emerging through the swamplands, we crossed major roads, ran toward civilization, and that’s about when my full-body Care Bear costume resulted in complete dehydration and delerium. A vague memory of some apartments, a cell tower, and possibly a return to the On-On, my car ended up back at Casa de Cums, where a wine check preceded Head Pedaler’s last ditch effort to coerce stupid people to play even stupider games at his direction. Dizzy bimbos, balls, and long shafts, and yet no one even got laid. Circle brought prizes, bald people, and shitty beer. Head and Cums provided much food and booze, closed poolside views, and some cheesy fake popcorn snack that made my week complete. It sucked, and the hash was merry and well.

Dilatorily,

Legal Easy

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